


Confusion All Around

by Netgirl_y2k



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-17
Updated: 2009-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-03 05:32:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Netgirl_y2k/pseuds/Netgirl_y2k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Master takes over the alt!world and the Doctor considers changing his name to Hamish McTimelord.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confusion All Around

This was beginning to seem very familiar; standing on the bridge of the Valiant facing down the Master. 

Of course there were a couple of minor differences. First of all, he was with Rose rather than Martha and Jack, and second of all, instead of menacing him with a laser screwdriver the Master was bent double laughing his head off.

“Hang on,” said the Doctor, “weren’t you dead?”

At that, the Master slapped his thighs and managed to wheeze out, “Oh, stop it, you’re killing me.”

*

Eventually the Master recovered from his fit of the giggles long enough to lock the Doctor and Rose away in a cell.

Not a person to cast blame, Rose glared at the Doctor, and said, “This is all your fault.”

“My fault? Just because I didn’t foresee the Master using his funeral pyre and a bit of tacky jewellery to sneak through the cracks between the universes, and taking over this version of Earth, suddenly this is my fault.”

“No, Doctor. It’s your fault because I must have mentioned my new boss, Harold Saxon, twenty or thirty times, and it never occurred to you to mention that it was the name used by an evil Time Lord who tried to conquer the other universe.”

“Ah. When you put it that way it does seem like it's a little bit my fault.”

*

The Master demanded that the Doctor be brought to him. He was sitting with his feet on the table, wearing a black suit with a white shirt.

_He’s quite tasty_, thought the little internal Donna Noble who lived in a seldom used corner of the Doctor’s mind.

_Stop that_, he thought back.

_Yeah, that wasn’t me_, replied internal Donna.

“I’m sorry,” said the Master. “Am I interrupting you and your imaginary friend?”

“What do you want, Master.”

“You’re human,” he said, gleefully.

“Half human, half Time Lord,” corrected the Doctor.

“Half Time Lord?” the Master sounded unconvinced.

“Er, okay, more like an eighth Time Lord.”

The Master giggled, actually giggled. Git. If the Master had gotten himself trapped in a human body the Doctor wouldn’t giggle at him. 

Okay, he probably would giggle, but he’d at least have the decency to do it behind the Master’s back.

*

It was insulting, that's what it was. The Master hadn’t bothered to age the Doctor up, chain him in a kennel, or even keep him locked in his cell twenty four hours a day. 

It was as though he wasn't even considered a threat. 

“Do I still call you Doctor?” the Master asked. “Or have you taken on some silly human name, John Smith or the like?”

Rose had suggested at the beginning that he take a human name. He’d considered it, even going as far as to make a few suggestions. He’d gotten as far as Hamish McTimelord before she'd had a change of heart and decided he should carry on calling himself the Doctor.

“No, it’s still the Doctor.”

*

What was even more insulting was that the Master kept Rose locked up; as though just because she was a highly trained Torchwood agent with an affinity for large and scary guns she was more dangerous than the Doctor.

“Don’t you think we should be trying to escape?” she demanded when the Doctor strolled back into their cell with his hands deep in his pockets.

“I’m working on it.”

*

Plan A - which involved the laser screwdriver, the Valiant’s engines and a small black hole - was going terribly well until the Master distracted the Doctor by saying, “Humans age terribly quickly, don’t they. Look, you’ve got a grey hair.”

To his credit, the Doctor managed to contain himself for several seconds before dashing over to the nearest reflective surface.

*

After Plan B went tits up, the Master decided this couldn’t go on. Being rather reluctant to actually kill the Doctor, especially now that he wouldn’t regenerate, the Master resorted to the time honoured method of blackmail.

“Look, if you stop trying to ruin my plans I’ll build you a new Time Lord body.”

“I don’t want a new body.”

“Of course you do.”

“I don’t want a new body from you.”

“Fine then. Cut off your nose to spite your face,”

*

“Why do you want to rule the Earth?”

The Master shrugged. “It’s something to do, isn’t it.”

“It’s not just another elaborate scheme to get my attention, is it?”

“As if I’d want the attention of a mere human.”

“Master, have you ever heard the saying about the lady who protested too much?”

*

The thing was, after the Master had conquered the Earth and had all those giant statues of himself carved, he really wasn’t sure what to do next. He settled for hanging around the Valiant, chatting up the Doctor.

“We could go travelling.”

“Sure. Paris is lovely this time of year,” said the Doctor.

“No, really we could. The last of the Time Lords and his human pet. You could wear a shiny cat-suit and scream a lot.”

Personally the Doctor thought this revealed rather more about the Master’s fantasies than he wanted to know. “No, thanks. I’ve got other plans.”

*

The Doctor’s other plans became clear one day when he was mooching around the Valiant’s engine decks and stumbled across a Roman plinth.

“Oh, Master,” he sighed. “Never change.”

*

Rose was rather surprised when an ancient-looking column sat atop a plinth materialised behind her. She was even more surprised when it cracked open and the Doctor stepped out.

“Shall we go?” he said. 

“Yes, I think so.”

“Just one thing before we go...”

*

The Master, the Doctor and Rose stood in the console room of the Master’s TARDIS.

“We're not keeping him,” said Rose.

“You're not keeping me,” said the Master.

_On second thoughts he is quite tasty_, thought internal Donna.

The Doctor turned his best puppy dog eyes on Rose; it was a look he knew she couldn’t resist.

“Oh, all right,” she conceded. “But you’re the one who has to walk him, feed him and play with him.”


End file.
